Sunday, October 21, 2007

Things that go beep in the night

I am writing this, dear reader, at an unfortunate hour because of inanimate objects. I have been plucked from a delicious sleep by a beeping sound and now I can't get back to sleep. This isn't the first time this has happened, and I'm beginning to want someone to pay for it. Allow me to explain.

The Digital domestic phone


In my bedroom, I have one of those new-fangled DECT digital phone extensions. The trouble with it is that the base station seems to make the handset beep every so often, for no apparent reason. I've tried everything to make it stop doing it, but the only remedy is to unplug the base-station at night. This is fine as long as you remember to plug the thing back in again the next morning, otherwise the handset loses its charge. Then, it will beep in the middle of the night to inform you that it is running out of batteries. It does this loudly, and every two minutes. I am forced to carry the item to the other side of the house to get it out of earshot. This doesn't work because the beep is so loud that it can still be heard. I then have to separate the phone from its ailing power source just to silence it, because I can't plug the base station in or that would start beeping too.

The mobile phone


That was tonight's events, which have happened several times before. The other night, I followed this sequence again in a half-sleep, my dander rising with each disturbance. It concluded with the phone, and its base-station, in pieces being stuffed into the linen basket when I realised it wasn't the phone that was continuing to beep; it was my mobile phone. It was cheerfully beeping to tell me that it too was short of batteries. I was forced to inform it that I didn't care about it, or its lack of power and that if it told me again, I would be forced to stamp on it.

The Washing machine


My washing machine beeps to tell me that it has finished its cycle. That's helpful. Or it would be if it left it at that. Oh no. It beeps every minute thereafter, for ever. What's the point of that? After the first beep, I don't care. It means you can't leave the wretched thing to do its thing at night, or it will beep all night. It's a little too big stamp on, but if it does it again, I will do my level best to.

Roy Mallinson's Helicopter


Right on cue, here comes our local Mayor's nocturnal crime-fighting initiative. A helicopter that chases petty criminals from the air with a big torch. It seems to hover over my house just roaring away because some spotty oik has stolen a packet of jaffa cakes from Bell's Stores. It makes me, quite literally, bellow at the thing (while shaking my fist) to tell it that unless the crime is rape, murder or treason, I don't care to be woken up about it.

In conclusion


If you beep when I am asleep, I WILL stamp on you. This applies to any machinery from a mobile phone all the way up to helicopter. If you are the CEO of Motorola, Bosch or whoever made that fricking helicopter, I hold you personally responsible for making your respective machines so noisy. I will find you, and then I will stamp on you.

Good night.

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2 Comments:

Blogger Polarbear said...

The wonders of modern science eh?

Can't you put your phones in their base stations permanantly or have a phone system that has a second base station?

Your washing machine problem, I suggest you only use it during the days whilst at work.

And as for Roy Mallinson I suggest buying a double barrel shot gun and shoot the ramraiders/thieves and prevent the helicopters from taking off in the first place.

I also have an annoying beeping thing in my house it is an alarm clock and it goes of at the same time way too early every morning.

12:46 am  
Blogger Lloyd said...

Have you considered a pink noise generator?

http://www.moshier.net/pink.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pink_noise

2:28 pm  

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